The Last 10 percent

Someone recently asked me how to deal with negative, critical people, particularly in church life.

Negative, critical people? Who could believe there was such a thing--especially in the Church! (that was a lame attempt at sarcasm, in case you didn't get it!)

My gut reaction to this question was to say I have no idea! This is an area I struggle with. Like many people, I want to be liked and I don't enjoy conflict. So when I encounter someone who doesn't like me, is negative, critical, or just unpleasant in general, it's not easy.

Here are a few things I've learned and am still working to put into effective practice.

First, realize that there's always going to be people who for whatever reason (right, wrong, or indifferent) don't like you or something you said or did or didn't say or didn't do that they think you should have.

Try not to take it too personally (admittedly very difficult--especially when their attack is personal).

People are different and we all have our own perspectives and ways of seeing things. Try to see things from their perspective. You may not agree, but perhaps it will help you understand why they feel the way they do.

Second, refuse to allow negative and critical people to sidetrack you and derail you from all the good things that are happening. Many of us (including me!) have a tendency to zero in, focus on, and even obsess over that one negative and critical comment, completely losing sight of the 25 positive ones!

I have an older, wiser pastor-friend who said that for the first 15 years of his ministry he tried desperately to please people. If someone was upset about (whatever) he would move heaven and earth and change everything in order to make that one person happy.

That mentality nearly killed him. Literally.

Nowadays he says, "I simply do not deal with negative, critical people. It's exhausting, draining, and the reality is, their criticisms never stop. You fix one thing and then they're on to something else.There's too many other positive and great things happening to get bogged down in all that nonsense."

I took his counsel seriously during a very difficult season of ministry and I firmly believe it was a vital part of not only maintaining my sanity, but even staying in the ministry!

Finally, some of the best advice I've ever heard also came from an older, wiser pastor. He said when dealing with negative and critical people, always listen for the 10 percent.

The idea is that no matter how negative and critical and even unreasonable they may be, there is likely at least an element of truth to what they're saying. So listen for that element of truth--what my pastor-friend calls the 10 percent. Then do a little self-reflection and make necessary changes before discarding the rest.

Admittedly this one is difficult because when we're being personally attacked, our natural impulse is to immediately go on the defensive and not give credence to anything our assailant is saying.

But what I've found is that by listening for the 10 percent, I'm able to make much needed improvements in areas like how I may be coming across (unintentionally!) to people, and other things like that.

Dealing with negative and critical people isn't easy. But it's part of life. And unfortunately, it's part of church life far more often than it should be.